The Personalities of the Workplace
Beware of people: there are always different types of people that work at jobs, but never have I seen such a variety of workers, for better or worse. Here are some types of worker personalities that exist, not just in retail, but in many other work environments, as well. If you know of one that you want to add, comment below 😀 :
The Story Teller – everything is a story to this person, no matter how ridiculously boring and idiotic the story may be. Many times, it’s just like those dolts on Twitter who should not be given a Twitter account, because no one in their right mind wants to listen to you babble about your boring life. Limit time with these people because prolonged exposure can induce sudden narcolepsy and steal precious minutes away from your life. Also, many times they’re loud and dammit they’re always the ones on their phones in the break room when everyone is trying to relax.
The Depressed Sandtrap – many people who end up in retail end up working there for lack of anything else going on in their lives. These people have missed opportunities, squandered ambitions, and forgone any kind of will to continue onward in their lives. Because of this, they have shut themselves into a depressing sandtrap and will do anything they can to bring down other unsuspecting employees down with them, like a sarlacc from Star Wars. Much like an ant lion or quick sand. Careful with these employees as they can be very hazardous to your health, especially with their depressing bitter words that can suck the ambition and hopes right out of you like a horny dementor.
That Gorgeous Person – why is there a beautiful person with a great body, face, and many times a personality while they’re surrounded by employees who are missing teeth, dropped out of school, and had children while they were children themselves? I have no fucking clue, and it will always be a mystery. But man, are they great to look at. Be wary of these people though, many times beautiful people are given positions of power and influence because, well, they’re slamming, but they may be used to getting things their way and if you don’t give them what they want, it’s the gallows for tueth.
The Slowed – ever work with someone that is just completely slow and can’t even do the simplest tasks in a timely fashion? Meet the slow, a special kind of employee who actually is not clinically handicapped in any kind of fashion but moves like a cold bottle of molasses in half speed. Woe to the poor employees assigned projects with this person as it will either get done never, or get done due to the rest of the group busting their balls to do the work for the slow.
Us vs. Them Man – the permanent victim. The perpetual blamer. This employee always finds someone or some group to blame for the misfortunes at work rather than take responsibility for their actions. Backroom inventory screwed up? Must be the night crew. Get yelled at for being late to work? Blame it on your family not waking you up. Paperwork not submitted on time? The printer with the personal vendetta is to blame. These employees can try your patience and try to convert you to victimism, but be strong! These employees are rarely at one job for too long.
The Hardass – ever not give two shits about a job, but find ways to get it done still? Maybe you cut corners a little to make it easier and bend the rules to your advantage. Better watch out for the hardass. This employee or next in command apparently was born with a small feral badger in their rectal region because nothing is never right enough, and if it’s wrong, you better get the hell out of there. The hardass takes no excuses and many times winds up losing years off their lives due to stressful perfectionism throughout their daily routines. Many times this person can get ahead, but because of their vicious badger in the anus attitudes about work, upper management will not accept their super duper perfectisms.
The Clever – quick talking, fast witted, and quick to make a little quip, these employees are intellectually agile and tongue twerpingly acrobatic with linguistics. More suited to a hazy comedy club bar, these employees offer humor when it’s needed most. Sometimes this personality combines with the sand trap employee to make a giant arrogant asshole, but otherwise they are enjoyable.
The Offended – one of my most hated worker personalities is the offended. Ever tell a relatively racy or slightly unpolitically correct joke and had someone complain or bitch their brains out about it? Meet the offended. I have witnessed many a person not be able to take a joke or sarcasm and take everything as a personal assault on their livelihood. Because of an offended, I saw one of my best friends get fired from his only job that puts food on his family table because he ambiguously implied another person was of larger size. He is still unemployed, and no, it was not a woman that got him fired, but an athletically built man.
The Angered – another employee type I hate to stumble across, the angered. Usually found in he higher up positions because power has corrupted them, the angered employees are a ticking atom bomb and you’re a giant target. It can take something as small as forgetting to do something to losin a pen to set this insane firework of rageihol off. But fear not, the angered have shorter lifespans compared to normal people and will usually keel over due to being so angry at life all the time.
The Normal Person – [no information available, doesn’t exist.]